VOLUME 1 The Prague Stepchild March 5, 2003        

ITHACA, NY—In an announcement with major implications for future generations of Czechs and their descendants, Cornell University geneticists announced Monday that they have discovered that the Czech's DNA contains a third base-pair which contains nothing but garbage. This third base-pair makes an individual susceptible to "acting like a goddamn Czech, if you know what I mean."

"We have long known that there was something wrong with the Czechs, but we could never put our finger on it until now," said team leader Dr. Jose Apnar Alvaro. "However, until we completed our work, we weren't sure whether the disposition to be chronically rude and hang air-fresheners from the rear-view mirror was genetic or whether it was a behavioral trait learned from one or both dumb-ass parents. With the discovery of this garbage base pair, we have proof positive that Czechs are genetically fucked up."

For years, scientists have been aware of the difference between Czechs and normal humans, but it wasn't until now that they were able to isolate the genetic basis of that difference.

According to the Cornell team, this third base-pair is a set of "alleles," or collections of genetic material, that explains such far-flung anomolies among Czechs as the flatness of the back of their skulls to their obsession with the so-called 'razitko'.

"People with this third base-pair have up to 100 times the amount of squirioxin in the brain," Alvaro said. "This increases their pleasure response to being unnecesarily rude no matter what the situation. Squirioxin has been shown to cause such bizarre behaviour as driving around with three police in a single patrol car, using the double negative in language and honking the horn every four or five seconds when driving."

One of the most interesting characteristics of the newly discovered series, researcher Dr. Paul Bergleiter said, is that people with this third base-pair seem to be unable to fathom the rule-of-law in a society. He pointed out that Czech politicians have legal immunity and the Czech public seems to be comfortable with that. "All those garbage base-pairs must affect their critical thinking and their ability to discern between right and wrong."

Though many more Czechs must be studied to determine the extra base-pairs transmission pattern, conventional wisdom seems to indicate that the gene is recessive.

"Who would want to pass on their own intact genetic material to someone who just sat around saying 'nech toho' all goddamn day?" Bergleiter asked. "Unless, of course, they managed to produce ridiculously good-looking females to spread their genetic disease. That would probably be the only source of friendly RNA-transcriptive culture you could find."

Carriers of the extra base-pair are criticizing the Cornell find.

"It is about time science stopped messing with the Czechs and started figuring out what's wrong with the Gypsies," said 220 kg Martin Svoboda, massaging the back of his perfectly flat head in a local hospoda. "I only steal when I feel like it, but the Gypsies steal all the time. Will you buy me another shot of Becherovka?"

The discovery is considered the most significant advance in gene-mapping since a University of Chicago team isolated the DNA strand that causes Canadians to believe Canada is a real country.


(c) Copyright The Prague Stepchild 2003